How to Stop Hurting When You Feel That You've Been Wronged
“At any given moment, you have the power to say: This is not how the story is going to end.” Christine Mason Miller
Several months ago, my partner’s father (we’ll call him D) verbally
attacked me. A couple weeks later, it happened again, except this time
it was more aggressive and more personal.
When I calmly told him that his behavior was unacceptable, he became
angry and spent the next several months using every tool in his vast
arsenal to put space between my partner and me. And for a while, it worked. Suddenly I found myself constantly obsessed over the confrontation,
playing it back in my head like a bad movie that wouldn’t quit. I was
sad all the time over the continued aggression, as well as the loss of
the illusions I had unconsciously subscribed to. (“But we’re a family!”
and “It’s supposed to be different than this!”)
In life, we all want to be accepted, seen, and loved but it’s
hard to feel any of those things when we’re too busy feeling victimized
or picked on. There’s no doubt that my partner’s father was out of line and that
his behavior was disrespectful and hurtful, but there’s also no doubt
that I allowed myself to be affected by it.
We’ve all heard that nothing ever goes away until it’s taught us what
we need to know, and now that I’ve learned my lessons, I can tell you
about some of the ways I was able to move past the anger and hurt:
1. Remember that people who seek to make others miserable are miserable themselves.
Most of us couldn’t imagine consciously attempting to tear down
another human being through our words, and that’s because most of us are
not in a place of such deeply rooted despair and self-loathing. I had a very hard time understanding the hurtful things D said to me
and, for many months, I insisted on making it about my own inadequacy
and wondering why I wasn’t good enough for him. This went on until I came to understand that a person who is so
accustomed to violence from within does not know how to function without
creating external violence, as well. Understanding this does not excuse the action of the aggressor, but by recognizing the source of the aggression, we can choose to extend compassion and understanding rather than returned aggression and venom.
2. Just do right.
As D’s attacks continued to get more and more violent, my partner’s family began to push me to appease D in order to smooth things over. The thing about this approach, however, is that although smoothing things over would’ve been expedient, it wasn’t exactly right; and as such, I didn’t want to do it. I wanted to hold out. I wanted to insist upon better treatment, yes, but mostly I felt the need to stay true to myself and to uphold my own moral standards. As author Maya Angelou has said, “Right may not be expedient, it may not be profitable, but it will satisfy your soul. It will give you the kind of protection that bodyguards cannot provide.” And, of course, she’s right. Part of freeing ourselves from the anger and resentment that surrounds negativity is to not allow ourselves to be altered by negativity. We may experience great external pressure to “go along to get along,” but, at the end of the day, it’s more important to act in a way that you can look back upon proudly.
3. Set boundaries.
It may seem like an oxymoron, but it is possible to establish and maintain compassionate boundaries.
I couldn’t completely walk away from D because of his proximity and
relationship to my partner, but I could make it very clear that I would
not accept such attacks in the future. By making our mental, emotional, and physical space into a safe
harbor, we can carefully control what is allowed to enter our hearts and
minds.
We might not be able to transform the person trying to harm us, and
indeed it is not our job to do so, but by insisting upon the creation of
a safe space, we make the tiny spot of earth upon which we stand a
better place and, consequently, we render ourselves less available for
hurtful attacks in the future.
4. Stay calm; stay true.
Many, many times during the months following D’s attacks, I had to fight to stay calm. Part of me wanted so badly to return venom, but looking back, I’m glad I never did. As we all know, it’s easy to lose our heads when we are faced with an
intensely emotional situation, especially one that feels like an
assault on our dignity, but returning aggression for aggression
ultimately does not serve us and, indeed, only serves to fuel the fire
of the aggressor. The best thing we can do when we feel overwhelmed with intense
emotion is to transport ourselves mentally to a place five years down
the road, look back at the situation, decide what type of action would
make us proud in the future, and then act that way.
Getting angry might feel like a release in the moment, but that’s a
false sense of righteousness. It’s better to state your truth quietly
and calmly and remove yourself from the situation. By doing this, we
refuse to allow ourselves to be transformed by the intensity of the
emotions, and, instead, we act in a way that allows us to feel good
about our actions, which is the first step to healing from the initial
hurt.
4. Only do the work that is yours.
One of the toughest lessons I learned is that I couldn’t “fix” the
situation, because the situation involved a lot more than just me. I
wanted my partner to protect me. I wanted his family to respect me for
my standing my ground. I wanted a lot of things and, for months, I made
myself crazy trying to get them. It was only after I realized that I was waiting for someone else to “fix it” that I was finally able to let go. I realized, finally, that if I was going to feel safe and respected and loved, it had to come from within. If the boundaries were going to be set, I had to be the one to set
them. If the safe space was going to be created, I had to be the one to
create it. If a demand for better behavior was going to be made, I had to
be the one to make it. Furthermore, I had to be the one to behave
better.
So, I started actively chasing the things that made me feel happy and
safe: I invested myself fully in the beginning steps of a career that I
love, I spent more time with friends and my family, I cooked huge meals
for nobody but myself. I read ravenously. I went to therapy. I took
long walks. And this is where the healing came from.
In life, it’s inevitable that other people will hurt us. We can’t
avoid it and we don’t even need to understand it entirely; all we need
to do is learn to take care of ourselves when it does happen. We cannot
change the actions or perceptions of other people, but we can change how
we respond to them. We can choose not to harbor anger and resentment; we can choose to
forgive and to walk away. We can focus on the things that make us feel
safe and happy and devote ourselves to nurturing those relationships and
hobbies. We can use the negativity of others to become stronger, happier, and more complete. We can rewrite the ending.
Article by Ashley Arcel: http://tinybuddha.com/blog/how-to-stop-hurting-when-you-feel-youve-been-wronged/